Gary Chapman identifies what he calls five basic love languages:
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touch
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talking
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serving
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gift giving
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encouraging words
A partner could put enormous effort into expressing love, only for much of it to be wasted because the language is essentially meaningless to the other person. Often this can continue for years without the couple realizing what is happening.
And it is even more complex than there being a mere five different languages. To briefly illustrate I'll give some personal examples.
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Whereas to many people the words "I love you," are of immense importance, and some people long to hear them repeated every day, to me the words are so shallow and open to a thousand interpretations as to be virtually meaningless. I wouldn't mind if I never heard the words. In contrast, words of praise are extremely important to me.
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I find the giving and receiving of presents not only hollow, but often down right offensive (when it means the person continues to misunderstand or refuses to acknowledge my objections to receiving gifts).
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I once dated a woman for whom one of the most meaningful expressions of love was me putting my arm around her while we were both absorbed in something else. She wanted me to waste some of the precious time we had together by going to movies or watching television together. I found this almost insulting. To me, love means doing all we can to give each other our undivided attention.
It's not a question of who is "right;" the point is that people differ wildly as to what expressions of love are deeply meaningful to them, and we must recognize this if we are to truly live these Scriptural principles we've been examining.
Both sexes may find this tiny webpage helpful:
A common cause of men failing to perceive their wives' needs
In Perspective
Obviously this webpage focuses on the sexual side of marriage. In another (True Love) I touch on the issue of romantic feelings. There is clearly very much more to a good marriage than sex and romance, and if the other aspects are neglected, sex and romance will suffer anyhow. However, a major reason for this webseries is to explode the common myth that sexual and romantic feelings are largely beyond our control. We are tempted to think that we are stuck with the fact that either the "chemistry" is there or it isn't. It is undeniable that when we are with someone we hardly know, sexual feelings often spontaneously erupt. This is a manifestation of what might be loosely thought of as the animal side of us. But to maintain these feelings year after year with the same partner takes qualities that distinguishes us from animals - intelligence, creativity and moral and spiritual values, not least of which is will-power. Love is clearly a key, but the love of 1 Corinthians 13, not the "love" of Playboy Magazine or Mills and Boon's books - the love that moves you to serve, not the love that effortlessly makes your heart thump.
Upon supposedly reaching adulthood by having a particular birthday, young people are usually congratulated. I find this peculiar. In most cases it takes no great achievement to stay alive for a certain number of years. Reaching that many years of marriage, however, is truly worthy of congratulations. It is a genuine achievement that has not just the potential for earthly reward, but eternal reward because of the spiritual qualities it takes, including overcoming temptation, plus all of the fruit of the Spirit.
Marriage is a wonderfully complex and vast domain. In contrast, this webseries is a very limited and shallow glimpse at just a couple of aspects of marriage. This is unfortunate because looking at these aspects in isolation creates serious distortions. With the authority of more than forty years of faithfulness to the one husband, Bobbie bares her heart:
I think too much emphasis is sometimes placed on how to improve a couple's sex life instead of identifying and correcting the root of the problem, if one exists. Whatever happens in the bedroom is usually a direct reflection on what is taking place in the rest of the couple's life, including outside stressors such as work pressures, illness, family problems, and so on. Communication is vital. You have to know your mate well enough to sometimes look behind the words being spoken to find the true meaning of what is trying to be communicated. If a husband is continually putting his wife down verbally or being abusive in any way, I can guarantee that the wife will not be as responsive as he wants her to be. She cannot automatically turn off the impact of the harsh words and abusive behavior when the lights go off. If a couple has developed the kind of relationship where each is as concerned about the other's feelings and needs as much as they are about their own feelings and needs, this same love and concern for each other will be carried into the bedroom. In most cases the passion will then come naturally.
The one thing that is becoming more evident than ever to me is that no matter how long you have been together, you cannot get away with taking your marriage or each other for granted. You must never stop putting effort into your marriage and continuing to work on the relationship. It broke my heart to hear of one couple who had divorced after more than fifty years of marriage. Another couple I know of divorced after forty years of marriage and devastated the whole family. The wife has never recovered.
I believe the reason the divorce rate is so high is that people give up too quickly. They no longer look at a marriage as a lifetime contract which may occasionally run into snags that must be worked out. When a major problem hits they just bail out and fancifully assume they can find a problem-free relationship with someone else. I doubt there is any marriage - no matter how strong - that has not at one time or other experienced trials so difficult that they could have easily called it quits. If they stay in the boat and weather the storm together they will eventually look back and be glad they did not give up.
Fire brings comforting warmth, or destruction, depending on whether it is under control. Likewise sexual passion enriches or impoverishes, heals or harms, depending on how it is controlled. It reaches its highest potential only when fully submitted to the Lordship of Christ, the One through whom this precious gift was created and entrusted to us. I refer not to obeying a set of rules but yielding to the whispers of the most wonderful Person in the universe and using his gift to express his heart - which has always been to glorify his Father and display selfless love and faithfulness.
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The Story so Far
Sexuality and romantic attraction are each a wild stallion that can be tamed to become a faithful friend. Let it run wild and you are in grave danger of a tragic fall. Abuse it and it might even be trample you to death. Treat it wisely, however, and it will serve you well. Harness its power and it will take you to wonders that others only dream about.
In creating sexual pleasure, God was displaying the magnitude of his love by entrusting to humanity a precious and powerful force for good.
He was also taking a great risk.
Evil finds particular delight in twisting into something that weakens the marriage bond the very thing God intended as marital glue. It delights in seizing the precious gift designed to bind a man and wife together and perverting it into a force that draws a person away from hisr marriage partner into the real or imagined arms of an intruder.
God's way for us to resist the cheapening of the gift is to treasure it even more. His plan is for marrieds to counter-attack, not by suppressing the gift - as it were, burying the talent - but by us more than ever investing the entire treasure in our partner.
Our loving Father is the author of pleasure. It is only the deadly illusion of pleasure - the cheap thrill you pay for forever - that breaks his heart. Find the genuine article, and honor the Giver by enjoying the gift to the full.
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